英语小故事1 2分钟幽默
Aschoolteacherusedtotakeashortnapeveryafternoon.有一位老师每个下午都要打一下盹儿。Whenhispupilsaskedhimwhyhedidso,hesaidthathewenttodreamlandtomeetancientsages.当他的学生问他是怎么回事时，他回答说他到梦境中去见古代的圣人了。Oneextremelyhotdaysomeofhispupilsfellasleepintheclassroom.Whentheschool-teacherchidedthem,theysaid,"Wewenttomeetthesagesindreamland."有一天，天气很热，有几个学生在教室里睡着了。当这位老师斥责他们的时候，他们说：“我们去梦里见圣人了。”"Whatdidtheysay?"demandedtheteacher.“他们说什么了？”老师问到。"Weaskedthemifaschool-teachercamethereeveryafternoon,buttheysaidtheyhadseennosuchperson."“我们问他们是不是每天下午都有一个老师去他们那儿，但是他们说没见过这个人。”goodboylittlerobertaskedhismotherforocents."whatdidyoudowiththemoneyigaveyouyesterday?""igaveittoapooroldwoman,"heanswered."you'reagoodboy,"saidthemotherproudly."hereareocentsmore.butwhyareyousointerestedintheoldwoman?""sheistheonewhosellsthecandy."好孩子小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”“她是个卖糖果的。”nestandhairmysister,aprimaryschoolteacher,wasinformedbyoneofherpupilsthatabirdhadbuiltitsnestinthetreeoutsidetheclassroom."whatkindofbird?"mysisterasked."ididn'tseethebird,ma'am,onlythenest,"repliedthechild."then,canyougiveusadescriptionofthenest?"mysisterencouragedher."well,ma'am,itjustresemblesyourhair."notes:(1)informv.告诉(2)nestn.窝；巢(3)descriptionn.描述(4)encouragev.鼓励(5)resemblev.相似；类似18.鸟窝与头发我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外的树上垒了个窝。“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”i'vejustbittenmytongue"arewepoisonous?"theyoungsnakeaskedhismother."yes,dear,"shereplied-"whydoyouask?""causei'vejustbittenmytongue!"notes:(1)poisonousadj.有毒的(2)causei'vejustbittenmytongue因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。句中cause是because的缩略形式。我刚咬破自己的舌头“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”awomanwhofellitwasrushhourandiwasdashingtoatraininnewyorkcity'sgrandcentralterminal-asinearedthegate,aplump,middle-agedwomansprintedupfrombehind,lostherfootingonthe***oothmarblefloorandslidontoherback.hermomentumcarriedherclosetomyshoes.beforeicouldhelpher,however,shehadscrambledup.gainingherposure,shewinkedatmeandsaid,"doyoualwayshavebeautifulwomenfailingatyourfeet?"摔倒的女人上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”
英语小故事1一2分钟幽默
Talkingclock会说话的钟Whileproudlyshowingoffhisnewapartmenttofriends,acollegestudentledthewayintotheden."Whatisthebigbrassgongandhammerfor?"oneofhisfriendsasked."Thatisthetalkingclock,"themanreplied."How'sitwork?""Watch,"themansaidandproceededtogivethegonganearshatteringpoundwiththehammer.Suddenly,someonescreamedfromtheothersideofthewall,"Knockitoff,youidiot!It'soo'clockinthemorning!"一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这***！现在是凌晨两点钟了！”这是第一篇~AmangoestochurchandstartstalkingtoGod.Hesays:"God,whatisamilliondollarstoyou?"andGodsays:"Apenny",thenthemansays:"God,whatisamillionyearstoyou?"andGodsays:"asecond",thenthemansays:"God,canIhaveapenny?"andGodsays"Inasecond"一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊,一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."Fourbestfriendsmetatthehospitalsincetheirwivesweregivingbirthstotheirbabies.Thenurseesuptothefirstmanandsays,"Congratulations,yougotins."Themansaid"Howstrange,I'mthemanagerofMinnesotaTwins."Afterawhilethenurseesuptothesecondmanandsays,"Congratulations,yougottriplets."Manwaslike"Hmmm,strangeIworkedasadirectorforthe"3musketeers."Finally,thenurseesuptothethirdmanandsays"Congratulations,yougotinsx2."Manishappyandsays,"Ironic,Iworkforthehotel"4Seasons."Allthreeofthemarehappyuntiltheyseetheirlastbuddyjumpingallovertheplace,cursingGodandbanginghisheadonthewall.Theyaskedhimwhat'swrongandheanswered,"What'swrong?Iworkfor7up"!四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"呵呵,一个比一个效率高.英文幽默三字经人之初：atthebeginingoflife.性本善：sexisgood.性相近：basically,allthesexaresame.习相远：butitdependsonhowthewayyoudoit.苟不教：ifyoudonotpractiseallthetime.性乃迁：sexwillleaveyou..教之道：thewayoflearningit贵以专：isveryimportanttomakelovewithonlyoneperson.昔孟母：onceagreatmother,mrsmeng择邻处：choseherneighbourtoavoidbadsexinfluence.子不学：ifyoudon'tstudyhard,断机杼：yourdickwillbeeuseless.窦燕山dou,thefamous有义方ownedaveryeffectiveexcitingmedicine教五子allhisfivesontookit名俱扬andtheirsexualabilitywerewell...英文幽默三字经人之初：atthebeginingoflife.性本善：sexisgood.性相近：basically,allthesexaresame.习相远：butitdependsonhowthewayyoudoit.苟不教：ifyoudonotpractiseallthetime.性乃迁：sexwillleaveyou..教之道：thewayoflearningit贵以专：isveryimportanttomakelovewithonlyoneperson.昔孟母：onceagreatmother,mrsmeng择邻处：choseherneighbourtoavoidbadsexinfluence.子不学：ifyoudon'tstudyhard,断机杼：yourdickwillbeeuseless.窦燕山dou,thefamous有义方ownedaveryeffectiveexcitingmedicine教五子allhisfivesontookit名俱扬andtheirsexualabilitywerewell-kown.养不教ifyourchildrendon'tknowhowtodoit,父之过itisallyourfault.教不严iftheyhadlotsofproblemswithit,师之惰theirteachmustbetoolazytotellthemdetailsonsex.子不学youmayrefusetostudythis非所宜butthatisarealmistake幼不学ifyoudon'tlearnitinchildhood,老何为youwillloseyourabilitywhenaged玉不琢ifyoudon'texerciseyourdick,不成器itwon'tbeehardandstrong.人不学ifyoudon'tlearnsex,不知义youcanbynomeansenjoyitssweetnesssecondlanguageamothermousewasoutforastrollwithherbabieswhenshespottedacatcrouchedbehindabush.shewatchedthecat,andthecatwatchedthemice.mothermousebarkedfiercely,"woof,woof,woof!"thecatwassoterrifiedthatitranforit'slife.mothermouseturnedtoherbabiesandsaid,"now,doyouunderstandthevalueofasecondlanguage?"一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”
英语小故事(两分钟左右)
Lastweek,MrsBlackwenttoLondon.Shedidn’tknowLondonverywell,andshelostherway.Suddenlyshesawamannearabusstop.Shewentuptothemanandsaid,“Excuseme!Canyoutellmethewaytothehospital,please?”Themansmiled.Hedidn’tknowEnglish!HecamefromGermany.Butthenheputhishandintohispocket,andtookoutanEnglishdictionary.Helookedupsomewords.Thenhesaidslowly,“I’msorryIcan’tunderstandyou.”上周，布莱克夫人去了一趟伦敦。她不太熟悉伦敦，结果她迷路了。突然她在一个公共汽车站附近看见一位男子。她急忙向这位男子走去，说道：“劳驾您一下！请您告诉我去医院的路，好吗？”这位男子笑了。他听不懂英语。他来自德国。但是他将手伸进了自己的衣袋里，从里面掏出了一本英语词典。他查找到了一些单词。然后他一字一句地说：“我很抱歉我听不懂你说的话。”Dickwassevenyearsold,andhissister,Catherine,wasfive.Onedaytheirmothertookthemtotheiraunt'shousetoplaywhileshewenttothebigcitytobuysomenewclothes.Thechildrenplayedforanhour,andthenathalfpastfourtheiraunttookDickintothekitchen.Shegavehimanicecakeandaknifeandsaidtohim,"Nowhere'saknife,Dick.Cutthiscakeinhalfandgiveoneofthepiecestoyoursister,butremembertodoitlikeagentleman.""Likeagentleman?"Dickasked."Howdogentlemendoit?""Theyalwaysgivethebiggerpiecetotheotherperson."answeredhisauntatonce."Oh"saidDick.Hethoughtaboutthisforafewseconds.Thenhetookthecaketohissisterandsaidtoher,"Cutthiscakeinhalf,Catherine.".迪克年龄七岁，他的妹妹凯瑟琳五岁。一天，妈妈把他们带到姨妈家去玩，自己就到大城市去买些新的衣服。孩子们玩了个把小时，在四点半的时候，姨妈领着迪克走进了厨房。她交给迪克一块精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并对他说：“喏，迪克，给你刀子，把这块蛋糕一切为二，给你妹妹一块。不过，你得记住要做得像一个绅士那样。”迪克问：“像一个绅士？绅士怎样做呢？”他姨妈马上回答说：“绅士总是把大的一块让给别人的。”迪克说了一声“噢”。他对此想了一会，然后，他把蛋糕拿给妹妹，并对她说：“凯瑟琳，你来把这块蛋糕一切为二吧到百度上搜搜也行，我也参加过英语故事比赛，最好找故事中对话多一点的，这样能读出感情来
